Trick or Treat

Kurt missed the Bridge Halloween Party on Saturday because he had a head cold. He was very disappointed, but we had Trick or Treating.

I think all kids have trouble when they are getting too old to Trick or Treat. I remember when Kelly wanted to go “one more year” every year. We took Kelly when he was 11 and Kurt at 14 for the last time. I walked around the neighborhood with the boys. When we got back to the house and the boys dumped their candy out on the counter, Kurt had about half as much as his brother, even though they had hit the same number of houses.

I immediately thought of Charlie Brown and the rocks.

Since Kurt had trouble getting “Trick or Treat” out in time, he most often remained silent at the door. So maybe the adults thought he was rude, or because of his height, they thought he was too old, or a combination of both. I’ll never know, but that’s the year I decided to make the transition for both of them.

Kelly ended up going one more year with his friends.

I had a plan for Kurt. He would hand out the candy to the kids when they came to our door. Oh, what a process that became. He wanted to do it all by himself, but was very slow. He insisted on locking the door after each group. So the whole routine consisted of unlocking the door, opening it and the screen door. Sometimes he talked to each one and asked about their costumes. Then he would pick out which candy he wanted to give out of our orange candy dish.

Our dish is actually an orange bucket. When we moved to River Falls, the Welcome Wagon lady came around and gave us gifts, one of which was this bucket. It wasn’t very big or sturdy enough to carry around with water to mop the floor, for example. So for some reason unknown to me now, we threw in a package of snack size candy bars and put it in the cupboard. And ever since, if you want to find some candy, just look in the orange bucket.

Starting with last year, Kurt really owned candy duty for the first time. Since he had planned to go as a Coca-Cola driver (Paul’s former job) to the Halloween party, he donned one of his dad’s uniforms and sat in the darkened living room, watching out the picture window at the shadowy figures walking the street. As soon as they started up our drive, he shot into action, opening the door and dropping treats into their bags.

His Halloween transition from kid took some time, but it’s really worth it to see him enjoying his adult role.

What Does Kurt Want to be for Halloween?

Halloween is a week away and Kurt is eagerly anticipating the upcoming party hosted by BRIDGE for Youth with Disabilities. Most of the young adults and many of the parents will wear costumes.

“What do you want to dress up as Kurt?” his grandma asked.

Kurt silently looked ahead, watching traffic as she drove him to work one morning.

“A police officer? Fireman? Vampire?” she said.

No answer.

“A construction worker? Super hero? Pirate?”

More silence. Finally, Kurt had his answer.

“A golf cart,” he said.

When will Keifer be home?

Keith was home last weekend with his fiancé Jen. He’s in his fifth year at UW-Platteville in Southern Wisconsin and will graduate in December with an Electrical Engineering degree. Jen finished school with a degree in Business Administration. The couple got engaged over the summer. I snapped this picture of them in our sunroom.

Keith lived at home this summer, completing an internship in Minneapolis. Kurt liked having him home. He asks me, now that his brother is back at school, “When will Keifer be home? Next week?”

The calendar is not Kurt’s strong point. He knows the seasons, the difference between night and day, that one day follows another, and weekends are “stay home days.”

When Keith will be home is getting harder to explain. He will visit at holidays, but has an apartment with Jen. After graduation, he won’t be moving back into his old room. That time has passed.

That’s what Kurt and I talked about Sunday night.

“Why did Keifer go back to school?” Kurt said.

“He is finishing classes and then he’ll graduate this winter.”

“And move back home?” Kurt said. That always seems to be prominent in his mind.

“No, he has an apartment. He’ll get a job and maybe have to move to another city, but he won’t be moving home.”

“Why won’t he move back home?” Kurt said.

“Because he is grown up.”

What have I stepped in now? I tell Kurt all the time that he is a grownup. Does he wonder why he lives at home? Will he ask to move out?

My heart suddenly felt squeezed by a vice grip, thinking of Kurt not living at home with us. I have been protecting him for 20 years.

On the other hand, this could be the beginning of a new step. With Keith as his role model, Kurt will be exposed to what kids do when they grow up. They move out and have their own lives.

That’s what Paul and I want for Kurt. I will have to take the next step too, in letting go.

Letting go is hard.

Just Another Day at the Farm

I got to Community Homestead early on Friday to take a walk and possibly some pictures. Here’s one of the grapes in the vineyard. All the vines were heavily loaded and I couldn’t believe the fragrance in the air. Each breath was like drinking juice. I could have spent the afternoon breathing.

After soaking in that pleasure, I traipsed down the hill to pick up Kurt at the garden. I found him in the bed of a pickup truck with Kaye, Oscar and Dustin and surrounded by just-harvested soybeans. Two more special needs adults, Mary and Scott, were sitting in chairs behind the truck. All of them were pulling the edamame pods off the plants.

I’m in awe each time I discover Kurt working! This is the young man who, most often, refuses to do his chores at home. And here he is, having fun with his friends, spending three entire days each week working! I talked to the crew for 10 minutes, as my son continued his task. I finally told him to finish the plant he was stripping and then we would go. Otherwise, I think he would still be working!

When I watch him at Community Homestead, I think of the patience they’ve had over the six years Kurt has been volunteering. He is a productive member of their community. He has gained so much in return – friends, self-esteem, and abilities.

Visit Community Homestead

Saturday September 19, 2-6pm

at

Community Homestead Community Center

519 280th St Osceola, WI 54040

Tours, hay rides, crafts and produce for sale, potluck meal-bring a dish to share.

Come meet the community!

Ever-Expanding World

Kurt has always been one to like having his family close. He worries about “Keifer,” the nickname that stuck on his older brother. “When will Keifer be home?” Kurt has asked numerous times this summer. Keith has been home from college doing an engineering internship in Minneapolis. When he goes out at night or is away for the weekend visiting his fiancé, Kurt worries.

Our college student left last weekend for UW-Platteville. Now Kurt tries to understand the nebulous calendar. He gets that each sunrise is a new day, but how many of them before Keifer returns is vague. “Sometime this fall,” I say, knowing that Kurt has a sense of seasons, but it really just stops the question until the first leaves turn color and begin to drop.

Keith will graduate in December, he has an apartment with Jen, and he started cleaning out his room for good, so we’ll have a guest room. How will Kurt react to his brother truly leaving the nest?

His younger brother Kelly is another source of concern for Kurt. Kelly has been his transportation this summer. After being so proud to introduce Kelly to his friends for the last couple of months, soccer practice started a few weeks ago and the two brothers are spending less time together. “Is Kelly at soccer?” Kurt will ask when I pick him up from Community Homestead. He’s disappointed to see me.

Kelly starts his senior year of high school in a few days.

What does Kurt think? Does he imagine where everyone is each day? He has ridden in Paul’s semi and he visited my office once. He has been to the high school and also to Platteville Keith’s first year. Does Kurt keep those visions in his memory?

Paul and I, and Kurt’s brothers have a large world at our convenience. We drive ourselves anywhere we want to go. We have access to the world through the internet, connecting with friends when we want, and shopping is limited only by our funds. Kurt’s world is much smaller. Socializing, shopping or any trips outside the home are up to someone other than Kurt. He has to rely on us.

Kurt’s world has been limited by his seizures and his disabilities. Yet, there is growth. He leaves home five days a week. Some days at Community Homestead, he’s washing the newly picked lettuce or pushing the wheelbarrow full of weeds to the compost. At the day program, he’s playing basketball with his friends at the YMCA and buying groceries to make a snack. He’s gathering eggs from the hens with his friend Nic when he stays with Nic's family. "That's my brother," Kurt tells the people around him on the bleachers when he sees Kelly on the soccer field. He’s buying CDs at garage sales and peanut butter cup blizzards at DQ.

Kurt’s world is expanding. Maybe, just maybe, that will help when his brothers’ worlds go far beyond his grasp.

Ghostbusters!

Kurt wore his hat. When he tilted his chin down, the brim hid his eyes from public view. He tried to suppress a grin and when that failed, covered his mouth with his hand. I still got a glimpse of the sparkle in his eyes.

Paul, Kurt’s brothers and I were seated two rows back from the stage at the Bridge Players performance “A Night at the Movies.” Kurt was in the back row on stage, dressed in a Ghostbusters t-shirt, with the familiar “no ghosts” symbol emblazoned on the front. Other members of the cast included a Dorothy, a cowardly lion, a boy in a white-disco-suit, Danny and Sandy from Grease, and a staffer playing Uncle Fester, to name a few.

Kurt attended rehearsals all summer when he met his friends at Bridge for Youth with Disabilities. He’s been talking about the performance for over a week, asking Keith and Kelly if they would attend, asking when he could wear his Ghostbusters shirt.

The performers signed to “Somewhere Over the Rainbow,” accompanied by Judy Garland played over the stereo system. They waved animal puppets to Dr. Dolittle’s “Talk to the Animals.” They waved scarves to “We Go Together” and discoed to “Stayin’ Alive.”

Everyone participated in each song, but each person was a central player in at least one number. Kurt’s was “Ghostbusters.” Several cast members, including Kurt, waved homemade ghosts on poles. At the end of the song, 3 ghostbusters came out and chased 3 ghosts around the audience. Kurt was one of the chasees. He loved it!

The players finished with a rap song that led them out into the foyer, where they shook hands and accepted congratulations from their families. We were to enter another room for refreshments and I asked Kurt if he was coming too. “No, I have a crowd,” he said, referring to the remaining audience to greet.

When he joined us for bars and lemonade, Kurt brought Jen, aka Dorothy, to meet his family. Kurt added, “I’m having a party!”

That's all I want. For Kurt to have opportunities like every one else. Thank you Bridge!