For the last half of 2009, I was experiencing "the lasts." A flash back of all the soccer games Kelly had played, from kindergarten through his senior year hit me as I sat along the sidelines at his last game. I had been a faithful supporter and now that era was over. There are many lasts over his senior year, something I experienced with Keith too, when he finished high school.
By December, I had switched to "the firsts," as in the first college application. I find myself looking forward to this new time and all the firsts when Kelly goes off to college.
I've been writing this blog for ten months and I've noticed the same trend. My posts were often stories that revealed my grief. I told of Kurt never having a girlfriend. Or of his brothers who have a much larger world to explore than Kurt does.
I dipped into the crevasses of my sadness and laid them out on paper. They were the dreams I had for Kurt that wouldn't come to be. Things he wouldn't experience because of this disability. To my surprise, they no long hold any power over me.
Sometime over the past year, the upswing hit. The grief no long simmers just below the surface. I now celebrate Kurt's firsts. My eye catches his accomplishments and the new opportunities in his life.